May 21, 2014

on turning 30

i have been 30 for two months now and wanted to write a little post in dedication to what i think is a pretty awesome time in life. i always imagined i would enter my thirties super enthusiastically having spent weeks remembering my twenties in a proper "remember this" sort of way. there sure is a lot to recap from the past 10 years. there were a million wonderful memories had and challenging times to overcome. there were moments of unsurity, a lot of those moments actually, and moments of bravery which sometimes led to regret but mostly led to the best decisions i could have made (phewf). there were times i thought i wasn't doing anything right, that nothing would turn out for the better, and that i had to remind myself to stay positive, be optimistic. then there were times i thought everything was going right and wasn't really sure how i got to where i was even though i could boldly recall the steps i took to get there.

i met some of the most wonderful people. danced on many of couches (and bars, tables, cars whatever) with friends and celebrated new directions, new families, and new experiences with all of them. i had moments of missing friends and family that don't live close or ones that i hope to laugh with again once this life is over. 

in those ten years i met and married jay. moved from california to colorado to toronto, back to colorado then permanently back to toronto. i found a career i love, with a company i love in an industry i adore. i traveled to places that were new, exciting and different. i became a dual citizen of canada and the united states. and of course most recently and very fondly added miss mila into the mix. needless to say, there are an ample amount of memories.

arriving at my thirties was different. instead of meeting it like i originally thought, super elated for the next decade and fond of the previous one, i met it with an unattached sort of feeling. which is bizarre because anyone who knows me knows i love love love me some birthdays and have forever felt really excited for my thirties; so feeling a sort of neutral feeling with it all was a bit strange. it wasn't a negative feeling by any means, it just wasn't, well, anything. i think that's why it took me so long to sit down and write this post. how do you write about something genuinely when you can't fully connect with it? this morning after putting m down for a nap i sat down and thought, "i'm doing this. i'm going to finally write that post!" and then i stalled because i wanted to take an artistic kind of photo to monument the occasion. however that, with a baby, and days spent packing is just not going to happen. so i took the photo above. me in the exact moment, still in pajamas with leftover paint in my hair from painting mila's new room the day before. barely any makeup on with my hair thrown back. it's now. no filters, no touchups, and obviously no dress up before taking it. after snapping the photo i thought maybe that was it. maybe it's not that i'm not excited about the years to come but more i'm just content in the moment i am in.

there are a lot of new moments i am looking forward to but for the first time i'm not so worried if they will or won't happen. i love where i am and the people i get to spend every day with. i'm proud of myself for wanting to search out new adventures and feel confident to challenge myself often so i don't stay idle; so i continue to grow as a person. it's a great feeling this self-contentedness.

long post short, thirty is looking pretty great in my books and i'm happy to be able to share the experience on this little blog of mine as i go.

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