on turning 30

i have been 30 for two months now and wanted to write a little post in dedication to what i think is a pretty awesome time in life. i always imagined i would enter my thirties super enthusiastically having spent weeks remembering my twenties in a proper "remember this" sort of way. there sure is a lot to recap from the past 10 years. there were a million wonderful memories had and challenging times to overcome. there were moments of unsurity, a lot of those moments actually, and moments of bravery which sometimes led to regret but mostly led to the best decisions i could have made (phewf). there were times i thought i wasn't doing anything right, that nothing would turn out for the better, and that i had to remind myself to stay positive, be optimistic. then there were times i thought everything was going right and wasn't really sure how i got to where i was even though i could boldly recall the steps i took to get there.

i met some of the most wonderful people. danced on many of couches (and bars, tables, cars whatever) with friends and celebrated new directions, new families, and new experiences with all of them. i had moments of missing friends and family that don't live close or ones that i hope to laugh with again once this life is over. 

in those ten years i met and married jay. moved from california to colorado to toronto, back to colorado then permanently back to toronto. i found a career i love, with a company i love in an industry i adore. i traveled to places that were new, exciting and different. i became a dual citizen of canada and the united states. and of course most recently and very fondly added miss mila into the mix. needless to say, there are an ample amount of memories.

arriving at my thirties was different. instead of meeting it like i originally thought, super elated for the next decade and fond of the previous one, i met it with an unattached sort of feeling. which is bizarre because anyone who knows me knows i love love love me some birthdays and have forever felt really excited for my thirties; so feeling a sort of neutral feeling with it all was a bit strange. it wasn't a negative feeling by any means, it just wasn't, well, anything. i think that's why it took me so long to sit down and write this post. how do you write about something genuinely when you can't fully connect with it? this morning after putting m down for a nap i sat down and thought, "i'm doing this. i'm going to finally write that post!" and then i stalled because i wanted to take an artistic kind of photo to monument the occasion. however that, with a baby, and days spent packing is just not going to happen. so i took the photo above. me in the exact moment, still in pajamas with leftover paint in my hair from painting mila's new room the day before. barely any makeup on with my hair thrown back. it's now. no filters, no touchups, and obviously no dress up before taking it. after snapping the photo i thought maybe that was it. maybe it's not that i'm not excited about the years to come but more i'm just content in the moment i am in.

there are a lot of new moments i am looking forward to but for the first time i'm not so worried if they will or won't happen. i love where i am and the people i get to spend every day with. i'm proud of myself for wanting to search out new adventures and feel confident to challenge myself often so i don't stay idle; so i continue to grow as a person. it's a great feeling this self-contentedness.

long post short, thirty is looking pretty great in my books and i'm happy to be able to share the experience on this little blog of mine as i go.

#redballoonsforryan

over the past few days i have seen a lot of chatter about a boy named ryan and a tragic accident that took place last week ending his life. i do not know the family personally, and typically hurt privately when reading about tragic events like this but after reading a post this morning about the family requesting support from people by sharing images of the family and sweet ryan i felt compelled to send some love.

there are no words, no answers, no explanations that can be given in a moment like this. to the family, my heart goes out to you deeply. may the memory of your sweet boy live on forever.

to the friends reading this post please share the love in any way you can. seems the family is okay with using images from their personal accounts (@babyboybakery is where i got my images). a hashtag of #redballoonsforryan has been set up to rally support from the community.

on mamahood :: month seven

over the past few months i have been slowly sinking back into the mind frame that i will be heading back to work in a few months. it's a thought that i remain fairly reserved about because i can't balance the excitement of returning and the total sadness of being away from mila. the decision to be a working mom or a stay at home mom can't be an easy decision for any woman in my books. i have always been a worker bee. i am the type of person who thrives from multiple tasks, having a full plate and contributing to a team daily. lucky for me i have a job i love going to but boy will i miss spending full days with this little girl of ours. this time has been a dream and i will forever be thankful to have the opportunity to spend a full year, undivided, with this little one. i know not every parent is so lucky to have this time, in fact i think there are a great amount who are not able to, so i remind myself often of just how lucky i am.

LAAV on mamahood at seven months

• we got accepted to daycare! hallelujah!
• i get a little finger jab or toy to the eye more often then i want to admit.
• "ah mo mo mo" "a gheeee" "ba ba ba woo"
• she continues to peacefully protest tummy time.
• she can't stand hearing yellow submarine or heartbreak hotel anymore. i don't blame her, i sang them a lot.
• we traveled with her for the first time and it made me want to do it again and again, really!
• she has been in a mommy phase for a chunk of this month and i sort of love it immensely. 
• i have stroller tans on my hands (basically my knuckles are really tan and my arms are still winter white)
• we enjoy any amount of sunshine available.
• i'm starting to worry about sun protection and mosquito bites. seriously, what gives mama worry? tips please!
• people mistake her for a boy from time to time. i still refuse to put her in super girly things.
• jay and her have a secret daddy/daughter language that i can never be apart of. it consists of a cough, a grunt or a "gheeeee"
• she has started to shake her head 'no'.
• she points at what she wants. that little finger is so cute! until it whips me in the eye.
• the thermostat and egg maracas are her new favourite things.
• tickle spots: sides, under the arm pits and above the back of her knee. 
• i have secretly (and not so secretly) cried about how much i love this little family of mine.  

YYZ >> DEN >> LAX >> YYZ

last week i turned thirty. it's a big deal that age. i had planned on writing a somewhat prolific post on how i felt going into this new decade of life....but then jay surprised me with a trip to los angeles after our already existing trip to denver. so, um, i was too excited to sit and really take in what thirty actually meant to me. i mean, friends. sun. beach. cheap wine. sun. sun. sun. there was too much to look forward to to do any inner thinking.

we started our trip in denver to celebrate a new little niece of ours expected in may. (read: yay babies!) lindsay's friend and i hosted a 'sugar & spice' themed baby shower for my sister complete with sugar, more sugar a little spice and some sugar. a super big thanks to our families for helping out, we couldn't have done it without you guys! and to my mom for snapping some photos for me. oh, and to my big sister who greeted us at the airport like this:

two snippets from the shower:

the four generation photo above is my absolute favourite. i am super blessed to have the family i do but my grandma has always meant the world to me. she is one spectacular women. i hope i can achieve her sort of intelligence and kindness one day. in my books, she is one of a kind.

we got to L.A. on monday and after a little issue with our hotel, we ended up staying at our friend's place in venice. he was super kind enough to relocate and give us his entire apartment which is a few steps from the boardwalk. my best friend cleared her entire schedule to hang with us which meant the world. there is never enough time to properly spend with darby so any second is pretty must the best. 

friends of ours who moved to calgary a few years back postponed their return home to have a little surprise birthday dinner for me. it was amazing how comfortable it felt to be back with everyone, almost like we had never left. at the same time, and for the first time, i had this moment of peace realizing L.A. isn't home anymore. there has always been a piece of me that hung on to our memories of living there, thinking perhaps one day we would move back. but our lives are set up in toronto now. not to say we wouldn't consider and scenery change at some point, but after driving back in to the city after our week of travel, the toronto skyline and city lights made me feel so at home. it was exactly what i need after such an amazing time with so many people i love.

views from the phone

on mamahood :: month six

it's funny to me how much can happen in one week yet how little can happen in one month. in short, i have succomb to knowing i can't make sense of everything in this parenting journey but at the very least i can conclude i am still loving every minute. i was really looking forward to month six because it opened an entire new chapter of fun; introducing solid foods. it also introduced an entire new obsession with researching waaaayyyy to much on how to do it. i can't stop, i just can't. we really like the idea of baby led weaning, but m wasn't so keen. at least not entirely, so we are doing a hybrid of baby led weaning and mushy foods which seems to work just fine!

LAAV on mamahood at six months:

• she rolled from back to front! twice! that's right.
• i could have babbling conversations with her forever.
• the first time she reached out for me to take her my heart imploded. 
• dad is a lot cleaner with high chair feedings then mom is. i kind of like seeing her touch and smear things even if it leads to longer clean ups.
• (she is sleeping better...shhh, don't tell anyone!)
• jay is teaching her how to wave hello and it's the cutest thing ever. 
• prunes. enough said.
• i am getting excited about heading back to work but still have that horrible 'crying face babe pressed up against the window at daycare' visual in my head.
• yellow submarine is the new heartbreak hotel getting a guaranteed smile every time.
• funny faces in the mirror is our daily obsession. 
• i can't wait for sun because this snowsuit business is getting really old.
• she loves watching me brush my teeth, but i can't sing and can't talk when doing it, i can only brush.
• subway travel with a stroller is impossible in toronto. we need more elevators or at least escalators that go both up and down.
• it doesn't hit me how big she really has gotten until jay and i are scrolling through photos from a few months ago.
• our house feels especially small now.

happy first day of spring!!

(image of toronto's high park cherry blossoms via here)

can i just get an amen for warm weather on the horizon before saying anything else? amen!

this winter. ugh. this winter has officially gotten under my skin. ever since first moving to toronto (and crying twice during my first winter here, seriously) i have refrained from complaining about the weather. it's just the nature of where we live and for some reason it always adds a bit more yuck to the already existing cabin fever feeling. instead i try to focus on the niceties like warm wooly sock, fluffy blankets, and as much pajama time as i can possibly get, but my optimism is dwindling. fast! this has been such a long, drawn out, freezing, and  in my opinion, to many polar vortexes to stomach kind of winter. i mean c'mon!

does anyone else feel like they have arrived at spring fully exasperated like we just scrapped our way through miles of frozen tundra to see one ounce of sunshine? i actually feel exhausted by the weather and had a full sigh of relief when i saw google's homepage welcoming spring today. we have been singing a lot of 'here comes the sun' around this house lately and just a few weeks ago i put m in spring clothes and turned up the heat a bit just because!

needless to say, warm weather we are ready for you! winter, you've been real (maybe a little too real) but please allow spring to move in quickly. we need endless days at the park, splash pads, and more importantly, sunshine on our faces!